The Three Pillars of Self-Worth: Competence

In my last post, an introduction to the Three Pillars of Self-Worth, I talked about the recent trend of overprotecting kids in the hope that it will preserve their supposedly-fragile self-esteem. In reality, this focus of coddling over competence destroys the very self-worth grown ups are trying to protect.

When we give kids a trophy just for showing up for practice, we teach them that hard work isn’t important, only making an appearance. That doesn’t build self-esteem.

Working toward your goals does.

Improving your skills does.

Gaining competence does.

Competence is one of the Three Pillars of Self-Worth.

When I was in college, I trained in Tae-Kwon Do. I was only six-months away from a black belt when I had to quit for health reasons my senior year (can you say, regret?)

My sophomore year, I entered a competition in New York City with some other people from my dojo, and I won my division, beating out a good friend, Joanna. I got a trophy for winning. Everyone one else got a patch for participating.

Did Joanna’s self-esteem suffer because she didn’t get a trophy just for showing up? No. In fact, that would have had the opposite effect.

After all, what’s the incentive for working at all, let alone doing your best, if you get a trophy just for entering the arena? That trophy would have been meaningless.

Actually, as I was recalling this story, I originally thought that Joanna had won the competition. It wasn’t until I dug up this picture of our group and saw that I was holding the trophy that I realized I was the winner.

Sure, the trophy had meaning for me at the time. Ooh, Nelly, you bet it did! That baby sat on my shelf for years! (Until, apparently, I forgot all about it 🙂 )

But what has meaning for me now, so many years later, is the effort I put forth, knowing I did my best and stretched myself. It wasn’t the outcome. It was the effort. It was building my competence.

In order to gain competence, you have to fail.

I didn’t start out as a tri-state TaeKwon Do champion. The journey to the trophy involved a lot of failure. I failed to break boards during tests (it really hurts when they don’t break!). I got bruised from head to toe in sparring matches. I fell on my butt. A lot.

I couldn’t simply affirm my way to better TaeKwon Do skills. I couldn’t wish my way to greater competence. No number of participation trophies would make me a better martial artist. Building my competence took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Quite literally. I had to put in the work. Practice. Fail. Learn.

You face failures and setbacks all the time.

But here’s the deal: Your failures do not define you.

So don’t quit. Get back up, learn your lessons, and try again. Do things better the next time around.

Competence isn’t about never failing. It isn’t about running the most effective Facebook ads or being a copywriting genius. And it isn’t about having a resume of grand, earth-shattering achievements.

Competence isn’t the same as performance.

Competence is knowing that you have the ability to figure things out, or to hire someone who can do them for you. Competence is knowing that you can learn what you need to, when you need to. It’s knowing that you can take on a challenge and come out standing. And having the perseverance to not quit when things get hard.

I include competence as one of the pillars of self-worth because it’s measurable, it’s about progress, and it’s anchored in Truth. It’s not about hollow affirmations that have no resemblance to reality.

When you start to feel crappy about yourself (and trust me, there’s no magic pill; you will feel crappy about yourself sometimes), you can look back and see the evidence of your competence. The progress you’ve made. The challenges you’ve overcome. The times you got better instead of quitting.

When you face a challenge, you’ll remember that you are capable of figuring things out.

That’s competence, and that builds a solid foundation – one of the pillars of self-worth that you can build on.